hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
