The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
