how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
