If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Hello my rib-scented angel!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
