Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
