I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
