made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
