So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
