Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
