I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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