wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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