So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
