Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Randomize
