I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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