I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
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