i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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