Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Randomize
