It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
