That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
