My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
