aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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