Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
