I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
