fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
why do cheetos always look like penises
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Who died my cat blue again?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
