I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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