Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
