Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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