i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
