I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
