You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
