the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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