note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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