i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
