There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
