Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
