Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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