apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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