alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
im holly from the hills drunk
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
