and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
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