Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
