At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
