...so i touched it.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
