No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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