Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
