Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
