Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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