I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
