Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
