I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
