The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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