she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
