after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
