Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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