my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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